Talking about hard things

This is another one of those topics I have thought about sharing/discussing many times but was never really sure what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it, or the point (if any) that I wanted to make. It's a post I have spent more time on and read over and over again because I want it portrayed correctly. As the title says its a hard thing to talk about and share.

Depression. It's something I have fought against before and was again dealing with it after the birth of our second daughter in late 2016. Mental health, in my opinion, is one of the harder things to, first acknowledge you have a problem and then, seek the appropriate help. For me personally, I refused to believe depression was the issue after she was born. This didn’t feel like what I had experienced before. I felt hollow and lifeless and was confused. I wasn’t sad or down I just felt gone. I blamed it on circumstances for so long and thought that if things would just go my way everything would be fine and I would feel ok again. Things did start going in the direction I wanted to but oddly enough my feelings of doubt and longing to have the "perfect" life only got worse and I found myself in a deeper and darker hole than before. I had become numb to everything around me and had built up so much resentment for some of the cards we had been dealt that I couldn't even process what it was like to just be satisfied any longer. I would have settled for satisfied at that point. I felt like I needed everything but could attain nothing. I lashed out, I cried a lot, and I wondered what had gone so wrong that the beautiful little girls that filled my every day with a lot of joy and the husband that was doing everything in his earthly power that was possible of doing wasn't enough. Why wasn't it enough? What did I need? Justin asked me many times "What do you need? What will fix things right now?" I couldn't even answer because I just plain and simple didn't have an answer. Things continued on for awhile and something in me one day said "Enough." I was waging war on an opponent who knew no limits and was undefeatable without help.

Things have significantly turned around for me. I really hope others have noticed it as well because the person I was for that time wasn't who I needed or wanted to be as a wife, a mother, a daughter, or a friend. I wanted more for myself and most importantly even more for the people I love. My challenge to accept reality was difficult but I wanted to appreciate the life I have and thoroughly enjoy it. I needed to reach out and put myself in an even more uncomfortable position in order to propel myself into something better, so I did it. However, doing it wasn't as easy as it reads right now. Before actually going forward with anything I went back and forth for awhile telling myself this is silly you can fix this on your own, but I couldn't. I cancelled an appointment and rescheduled it only to question that day if I really should be going in. I went in and it was absolutely the right decision. Not once did I feel judged or belittled. However, my path to healing was not linear. I began meds which helped immensely but I need much more than that. I began talk therapy and unfortunately that was a bad match that left me feeling frantic before appointments and worse after. I know now you have the option to switch providers and find a good fit for you personally. I actually did not continue with therapy (hindsight is 20/20 right?) but was able to find my way. I would later return to therapy and find a WONDERFUL therapist who heard me exactly how I needed to be heard.

I attribute a small part of realizing I needed to make a change to my writing and starting this blog. I have always been more clear and been able to express my feelings better if I write things down. I think that I was able to realize some of this issues I was having were centered around my own feelings rather than solely on circumstances of my life. I came to the conclusion I needed to stop blaming others for my uncertainties and unhappiness and get a grip. This wasn't anyone else's fault and it wasn't mine either it was just what was going on in my life and I had to figure out how to adapt to the issue and get help.

If you are dealing with something in life you need help with but can't find the words to talk to someone I heavily encourage you to write it down, even if just for yourself, but mostly with the intent to share it with someone. Mental health battles are not something you should have to fight alone and it is most certainly not something to be ashamed of. I wish I was into research, but I'm not, because I would love to share the amount of individuals in our world (even just in the United States) who are affected by issues regarding their mental well being. I know the numbers are vast and the problems people face are not easy to ignore or "just get over."

Another thing to consider, maybe you aren't the one fighting the fight against mental health but someone close to you is. It is so important to pay attention to the behaviors of those around you especially new moms (and dads), someone who has recently gone through a major life change, an individual who has fallen on hard times, and many other life events and circumstances. What may not seem like a big deal to you may be affecting someone else greatly. We all fight our own battles and have our own struggles and each individual is impacted by a variety of situations and handles them completely different. Check in with people often even if you aren't aware they are having a difficult time. You just never know that simple text, phone call, email, or Facebook message might completely turn their day around and give them a new perspective, even if only for a short time, but enough to make a difference. It could be a game changer.

Please always be kind and be supportive!