Why are you always saying ‘SUPPORT’?
Support. When I have a discussion with really anyone about what I do this word comes up over and over again. I have to sound like a broken record but ‘support’ is really the best description of what I do. Physical support, emotional support, educational support, resource support….
The conversations usually go like this:
“A doula? What is that exactly? What do you do?”
My answer almost always starts out with, “Well in simplest terms I am an additional support person for the family, however that looks for them.”
It’s not a very colorful or intriguing answer but it’s what it is. I have a hard time truly elaborating, until more questions are asked, because it is different for every family. While one household may mostly need physical assistance (laundry, dishes, meals, etc.) around the home the next family may need to be heard, understood and supported emotionally as they digest everything they have gone through and continue to adjust to parenthood. It’s never the same.
Collectively as an American society we undervalue support. We appreciate it but are not raised to expect it. Pull up your boots straps and take care of business. Right? When the help is actually presented it often leaves individuals feeling uncertain and uneasy when it is offered. “Nope, all good here but thank you so much for your offer.” The reality is that you may be drowning but are too humble to accept. We feel spoiled and underserving and seem to have a community mindset that there is always someone else who has it worse so just be grateful for what you have. Just grin and bear it. I often tell people, “Everyone’s hard is different.” There doesn’t need to be a comparison game of who has it worse. I absolutely acknowledge there are situations that I never want to experience and know my own struggle may not be “as bad” but it does not make my difficulty with it any less, I still deserve to be supported. We need to change the rhetoric from “You didn’t have to do those dishes” to “Wow, thank you so much for taking care of those dishes for me, you have no idea how much that will help me out today.” Can we just normalize giving and receiving help already?
So, in a society that doesn’t have a lot of acknowledgement for this idea to support its citizens, especially in the world of pregnancy, birth, postpartum and parenting, how do you get it? It’s hard but you have to ask. You have to make a plan and set it up. I am here to bridge that gap of getting you what you need and deserve for support. What you don’t need is another handout with information. You need a literal hand guiding you to the right resources and the right information. Real people and real knowledge not just another folder full of papers you will never go through because it’s the 100th one you’ve received that week. As human beings we thrive on in person contact not just a pile of papers telling you who to call next only to be shuffled around to the next voicemail inbox.
Ways you can ask for and create support:
Create a Postpartum Plan - there are many resources out there on how to do so including myself! You can get a free mini template on my website by joining my e-mail list and I also offer an in-depth class on preparing your household. This can also serve as a reference/guide for those who come into your home to help. It can and should include your preferences for things along with important information such as phone numbers to providers.
Know who your inner circle is. These are the people who you want around and are comfortable sharing what may sometimes be intimate or sensitive moments with. The first several weeks you may have a strict “no visitors” policy besides those whom you have already decided as your support system.
Make a to do list - this does not mean it is solely your to do list, this is what you are hoping to have accomplished in the next day or so, there is no linear timeline for when it has to be done. When someone stops by and asks how they can help suggest they peek at your to do list and pick something from there to do.
Anticipate needing help. You will not be able to do it all. You might be the most independent individual out there but after you have a baby you will need SUPPORT. It’s just fact.
Ways you can be the support:
BE SUPPORTIVE. Yup, just do it. If you are in the home of someone who just had a baby figure out what you need to do to make a difference, no matter how small, to improve their day. Think of it like leaving things better than you found them.
Bring food but please ask their preferences.
Find something to do. Don’t wait for them to assign you something because they likely never will. If there are dishes in the sink do them. If there is garbage to be taken out, take it out. Laundry needing to be folded….you get it.
You may be the guest but do not expect to be taken care of. Bring mom a glass of water and a snack. Bring your own beverage/snack so if they ask you if you want anything you are already taken care of.
If you are not the inner circle support system limit your visit to an hour.
Of course hold the baby if you are invited to and suggest mom go do something to take care of herself while you do so. Make your visit just as much about her as the baby.
If you offer more support in the coming days and weeks follow through. Don’t say it just because it feels like the right thing to say!
Check in regularly. Ask how they (parents) are doing. Sending a quick text, “thinking about you guys, how are things going?” Don’t expect an answer immediately or maybe even ever and don’t take it personally if it goes unanswered. It’s not personal there are just 150 tabs open at all times in a new parents brain.
You absolutely can make it through pregnancy, birth, postpartum and parenting without support but, again, the truth is you need it, deserve and should absolutely have it. You don’t have to do it alone. Does that mean hiring and paying for all the support people? No. It means knowing what you need to thrive, setting up a plan to make it happen, and asking for what you need. I have seen and experienced the lack of support, education, resources, and encouragement we as new parents are offered, or rather not offered. It does not need to be this way. If you don’t need the support right now please be the support for those around you!
